How did I get so lucky?
How did I get so lucky to have such a selfless, caring, mature person enter my life?
I can go into detail about his beliefs and what he aspired to do and what inspires him, but it's kinda personal, I would say. Idk. He's very family oriented too. The way he talks about his family and his future children and whatever else he sees in his future.... Damn. He is so husband material. Like OMG.
I love talking to him on a serious level. It doesn't happen a lot, because we both love to joke around all the time and it's what were used to. But damn. I can listen to him talk for hours. I won't really say much, but I'm so fascinated by his maturity and his passion for ensuring a great life for his family now and in the potential future.
He values what and who he has, without a second thought about what he wants or doesn't have. He's so considerate of his parents and his other relatives. Hell do anything to rid them of their burdens.
I can't even measure how much I admire his whole being.
This was the first time I heard him say everything all at once, you know? I'm just sitting here listening to him talk about his family and his love for them and everything.
Fuck. He inspires me to get to know my family and love them for who they are and not what i want them to be.
How did I get so lucky?
How did I get do lucky to have someone who actually inspires me to be better? Someone who cares more for others than himself? How did I get so lucky to have him?
I could say more, but it would take about a day and a half more.

To be honest, I can't remember another time I've felt this shitty. I'm behind in my ONE class, and it's fucking frustrating. I've managed to avoid all the lab work that is due in 2 weeks, which actually isn't a long time. I didn't think missing one class would affect me that badly, but it did and I ended up missing 2 more days because I wasn't ready. My grade probably dropped 20%. Goodbye highest grade in the class! I was doing so well. I know complaining about it isn't doing me any justice. But it's almost like all the stress has just clogged a part of me that allows me to... I don't know. Work? Meh. 

Money!  Fuck money. I don't have money. I don't work. Which is another stress factor. I don't make my own money. I have so many things to pay for.  Like dancing. DANCING. My escape. The love of my life. That shit is so damn expensive. I'm probably have to quit the team after this season. I can't afford it! I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do to fill that void, but I have to do it. Hopefully I'll have a job and more classes to focus on by that time. 

I think what I need for myself is more things to do. Free time fucks me up! I need to be constantly moving, otherwise It's like I'm in quicksand, unable to get of -in this case- procrastination and the slumps of laziness. I need to be away from home as much as possible. For me, home is like a trap!  I'll go to Starbucks tomorrow. I mean, hey, I get a free drink out of it! I have so much to worry about. 

My family's so weird. I don't even know. Everyone is just selfish. Myself included! But my sister just really needs to grow up. Sneaking around, lying to everyone. She and get boyfriend are so disgusting, they need to face reality. No, you're not black, neither of you are "cool," and you're just stuck up people that think to highly of yourselves. You both are selfish and inconsiderate of your 

families. And I have to share a room with my sister. How annoying is that, very. Were both messy af and that's just not good! I guess you can say my cluttered room is a metaphor for my cluttered life.

And Edwin. He's probably one of the best things that's happened to me this year. I really like him, it's crazy. And I think he's mad at me. I guess he is the jealous type, which I think is adorable, but for some reason this time is hurting. We're not even official but things are getting pretty serious. I'm not complaining, it's been a month. However, we need to set some boundaries or rules or SOMETHING, because honestly I've never "talked" to someone for this long. I'm not sure how this works. But he's mad and it's pissing me off how I can't do anything right now.

Goodnight.

not really the best photos, but i got all pretty for someone who i saw for less than 2 minutes. i wasnt even planning to see him, but i had the slightest hope that i would see him. as predicted, he didnt care. but it's okay, at least i look cute.

LOWKEY

Id be anorexic if it wasn't so hard. 

I feel cute sometimes.

I kind of forced myself to throw up tonight. 

I was feeling like shit and I just wouldn't go so I stuck my fingers down my throat with the hope of making my stomach feel at ease!

Unfortunately, instead of throwing up the Chinese food that I anticipated, I threw up carrot juice. -.- 

i dont know if we're friends, enemies, fuck buddies, friends with benefits, but from what it seems to me, he only contacts me when he needs wants me. ive come to the conclusion that he is just simply using me. whether he is appreciative of what i continue to do for him, im just hurting myself. although the sex is great and it does benefit me in that way, i'm setting myself up for a 3rd heartbreak with him by allowing myself to open up to him and expecting him to do the same. where has my pride gone? i guess he took it all when he left me. i'm letting him walk all over me. i didnt realize that there are still tread marks from the last time he hurt me. i honestly thought i would be okay if we were to have this type of relationship with each other. i clearly was enamored with the idea that he and i would have contact again with the possibility of him finding the love he once had for me. it may have even done the opposite and caused him to realize that i'm exactly what he doesnt want. its inevitable that i still have feelings for him. i REALLY dont want to like him and i wish i could see him as he sees me- meat. play thing. tool. convenience. NOTHING. that's exactly how i feel. i am nothing to him. no feelings attached,indifferent to my existence. curse my girlish instincts to care.

Look at that skinny face

Day 3

I'm totally failing on this diet. Monday (day 1) I was going pretty strong! We even bought more fruit for me to juice and stuff! But my sister, who has no discipline, got faded and decided to eat after class. Getting her and her friends second hand, I got hungry too. It wasn't just that I ate; it was that I ate fried chicken, calamari, and pork. WTF.

Day 2(Tuesday) I failed miserably, it all started with that bite of Pauline's ice cream sandwich. Then she made me finish it... Couldn't say no, unfortunately, then when I got home, there was fried chicken and pork. And I dont even eat pork! Then I saw ice cream. Cookies & cream. Ugh. -.-Then I drank 2 bottles of water to make up for it. 

I went to the mall and eating only half of a half portion of pesto pasta. PASTA HAS CARBS. But it was soooo good. I took the other half home. Then I fell asleep at like 830.

Today, I had a bite of the left over pasta and a piece of grapefruit, but grapefruit is good. So yeah. Well see how today goes...

Wish me luck 

What if I'm that someone I know?

Still got it!

I don't wanna complain anymore

It's time to focus on the positivity in my life. From now on, no more posts about boys. Boys are bad. Haha
So today marks the day I start my liquid diet. I'm planning on doing it for a week and then seeing how it goes. My ate Stacey lost 9 pounds in 10 days!
Looked up this diet and it says you can only consume juiced fruits and vegetables, tea, and water, with the exception of milk and yogurt.
So far I've just had coffee. Coffee is a natural product and I read somewhere that it makes you shit, and I need that in my life, haha. Creamer is dairy and dairy makes me shit also, therefore coffee with creamer but no sugar is okay in my book.
I also made apple-carrot juice with lemon. It actually tastes really good! I tried to juice broccoli just so I'd have a vegetable in there, but the juicer almost exploded haha. But I guess it's fine! I was gonna make a smoothie, but someone hid the blade for my magic bullet from me -.- it's cuz I'm messy.
I also made dieters tea with lemon. It's supposed to make you shit, but it doesn't work for me. Oh well! I don't really care, it's liquid and it's supposed to help.
So I have my schedule for consumption today:
Breakfast: coffee
Snack: water
Lunch: juice
After school: water
Dinner: tea
And any time I have a craving, water with lemon.

I think I can do this diet for a while. I just want my magic bullet -,-
Another good thing about this, you're supposed to be in a rested state, which means I shouldn't undergo strenuous exercise! Which is ideal for my lazy ass. Sauna for life!
I'm so excited. Finally something I can go! Wish me luck.

hello again! so yeah.... life. i dont even know what im feeling anymore. i guess you could say i've reached emotional paralysis. just kidding, its not that bad. i am basically coping with the sadness i was struck with in december. i think what i'm feeling is a mixture of regret, guilt, and sadness. i'm sure theres more to it than that. i don't like thinking about it too much. i feel an intense frustration with myself, thats for sure. my emotions are affecting me physically as well. its as if my nerves are feeling the stress as well! i guess when they say, "getting on my nerves," it could literally mean senses! at least in my case, it does. anyways, on a brighter note! i've been listening to really chill music. i am in love with corinne bailey rae. shes a goddess to me, oh my god. her songs arent depressing for the most part and i just feel so calm- like a musical high. her voice is so perfect. haha.

I'm getting that feeling

There I go again. Getting ahead of myself. I keep trying to talk to him! He clearly doesn't give a shit about me. There he goes flaunting his love for that ugly ass Quincy bitch. Thank you for saving me from that image, josh. I appreciate it.
I wanna cry right now. I just might! No ones here anyway. What am I doing to myself. Shouldn't have played with him that one night. Even that got me back into the girlfriend
mode. FUCK THAT. Ugh. I have this uncontrollable hatred for myself. How could I have let my guard down? Now my emotions are all fucked and I just wanna die. Imma go cruise. Haha love it.
Nightttt

I MISS YOU nevermind....

Pros & Cons

its been about 4 months and 2 weeks since the breakup. you know im not over it when i still remember the day and im keeping track. i guess a lot has happened since then. i feel like i went through a massive depression and had to let go of something that i shouldnt have. not jeremiah, the dance team. since i was so sad, i was unmotivated to do anything, which is why i was failing my classes. i also lost a ton of weight, which wasnt such a bad thing. haha. anyways, these are some the positive and negative things that have entered my life at some point between december 14 and april 28. Pros: value myself more meet people/ make new friends more free time (also because i quit drill) grades have gotten better ive become more social more independent cons: i gained weight -__- im not over it ive been smoking and drinking (yes, that is a con to me) still insecure/ obsessed with appearance right now, i feel like shit. jeremiah and i don't talk. at all. once in a while, we exchange a couple words and i get carried away because i always get some crazy notion that he actually does want to talk to me, when in reality.... he doesnt. i get back into the old habit of telling him everything that comes to mind and then i stop to think: oh wow, i forgot he doesnt give a shit and wants nothing to do with me anymore. ouch? yeah. he always avoids me in person, when he finally said something to me, i got really happy. my happiness is NOT determined by his actions. ive always asked him if we could be friends, he used to be such an asshole about that topic. because "exes cant be friends" but to be honest, the breakup was pretty bad and i still wanted him to be a part of my life. he used to say the same thing, but once he took interest in another girl, he HATED me. not indifferent, hate. this girl has some kind of power over him. but that bitch isn't worth a paragraph. stupid ass mother fucking cunt. ahem. anyways. i don't know why im not over jeremiah. after all, it was a 2 year relationship. he was my first everything. he's moved on far past this. why am i still dwelling in this? ive been with 2 other guys since him, but i just cant let go. FUCK MY LIFE. im pretty sure hes not worth my time. he's a fucking amazing guy, but hes not even willing to put in the same effort as me,simply because its over with. "guys like to leave things messy. they like being a dick." lord, help me.

Hello blogger. A lot has happened since my last post. Rather than filling you in and catching up, im just going to talk about my current dilemma. So i've been trying to lose weight since i stopped dancing regulsrly. Ive tried to go on diets, throwing up, not eating, water fasting, and god knows what else. Now, i am 18, about 5 feet, and weigh about 110.6 pounds. That may seem pretty normal, But the least i weighed this year was 98 pounds- a 12 pound difference. I am definitely not satisfied with my appearance. To say it bluntly, i feel fat and disgusting. I may have distorted ideals, but you have no idea what i feel when i go out with my 5'3"102lb friends. My weight is the biggest stress factor in my life, and when I'm stressed, I eat. I'm having such a hard time because I don't have and healthy food at home and my parents refuse to listen to anything I say. I request to get more fruits and vegetables; they come home with bags of chips and soda bottles. My mother says, you dont need that stuff, just stop eating. What the fuck. I'm going to try this water diet ordeal again... I mean, I do have water. -____-