Pros & Cons

its been about 4 months and 2 weeks since the breakup. you know im not over it when i still remember the day and im keeping track. i guess a lot has happened since then. i feel like i went through a massive depression and had to let go of something that i shouldnt have. not jeremiah, the dance team. since i was so sad, i was unmotivated to do anything, which is why i was failing my classes. i also lost a ton of weight, which wasnt such a bad thing. haha. anyways, these are some the positive and negative things that have entered my life at some point between december 14 and april 28. Pros: value myself more meet people/ make new friends more free time (also because i quit drill) grades have gotten better ive become more social more independent cons: i gained weight -__- im not over it ive been smoking and drinking (yes, that is a con to me) still insecure/ obsessed with appearance right now, i feel like shit. jeremiah and i don't talk. at all. once in a while, we exchange a couple words and i get carried away because i always get some crazy notion that he actually does want to talk to me, when in reality.... he doesnt. i get back into the old habit of telling him everything that comes to mind and then i stop to think: oh wow, i forgot he doesnt give a shit and wants nothing to do with me anymore. ouch? yeah. he always avoids me in person, when he finally said something to me, i got really happy. my happiness is NOT determined by his actions. ive always asked him if we could be friends, he used to be such an asshole about that topic. because "exes cant be friends" but to be honest, the breakup was pretty bad and i still wanted him to be a part of my life. he used to say the same thing, but once he took interest in another girl, he HATED me. not indifferent, hate. this girl has some kind of power over him. but that bitch isn't worth a paragraph. stupid ass mother fucking cunt. ahem. anyways. i don't know why im not over jeremiah. after all, it was a 2 year relationship. he was my first everything. he's moved on far past this. why am i still dwelling in this? ive been with 2 other guys since him, but i just cant let go. FUCK MY LIFE. im pretty sure hes not worth my time. he's a fucking amazing guy, but hes not even willing to put in the same effort as me,simply because its over with. "guys like to leave things messy. they like being a dick." lord, help me.