i know i complain a lot; and trust me, there's still a lot i have to complain about, but that can wait. let's take the time now to appreciate the little things. well, they're not that little. in fact, it's these "little" things the make my day, my week, my goddamn life. my god, i'm going to sound like a bop but i know for a fact i'm not! here goes.

small thoughtful gestures really amplify when it comes from someone that you really love and care about. every look he gives me sends tingles down my spine. his smile resonates in my thoughts long after he's stopped. wow, i didn't realize i sound like a simping ass teenage boy. at any rate, those virtual kisses always get me through a bad day, and let me tell you, thats pretty much everyday. from late night skype calls, to early morning facetime calls, i love falling asleep to his face just as much as i love waking up to him. he makes me feel safe... maybe it's because he makes me text him whenever i arrive somewhere and whenever i leave he texts me to be safe. as annoyingly fatherly as he can be sometimes, i'm thankful that he cares. he's so amazing to me. as much as he likes to deny it and as much as he hates to be told, he truly is that-amazing. and then some. what would i ever do without him? i love him to death. it's gr8. it really is.

for the past few weeks, i have been content with the way i look. i have a boyfriend; who do i need to impress? turns out, the only person i care to impress is myself.

i have weighed myself for many months. i didnt want to live my life based on numbers on a scale. when they weighed my at the doctor's, that was the first time in months that i had known my weight. i had gained 7lb since the last time i stepped on the scale. that may not seem like a lot, but all i see in the mirror are those 7lb. it's happy weight, so i've been told. ironically and quite evidently, this does not make me happy. one can only imagine gaining 7 lb being a good thing.

i am not overweight, nor am i unhealthy. which is good! but it isnt enough reason for me to be satisfied. 

i hate the way i look. my face has taken on a rounder shape, as well has my stomach. to me, that is not appealing. i dont even have a pretty face to make up for the extra pounds i have put on. 

another factor of this weight gain (and thus change in appearance) could be the stress. i am stressed over school, finances, transportation even, and now i have the stress of what i look like! whatever will i do about my insecurities? 

despite others arguments on how i look to them, nothing will change the way i look at myself but change itself. 

now, i know all i'm going to hear is "just work out" "go on a diet" "dont eat as much". while those are so fucking obvious, my living environment sucks. no room to work out, going on a diet here means not eating anything at all, and not eating as much... well, i barely eat so maybe i should just starve myself.

im tired of being made fun of. my sister of all people tell me how im gaining weight as if i didnt know. my family does not support me in anything i do so it's no telling that this opinion and negativity is expected from everyone here. 

some may say that i'm being dumb and unappreciative, and they may be right. but that will never affect the way i see myself, nor will it make me love what i look like. 

How did I get so lucky?
How did I get so lucky to have such a selfless, caring, mature person enter my life?
I can go into detail about his beliefs and what he aspired to do and what inspires him, but it's kinda personal, I would say. Idk. He's very family oriented too. The way he talks about his family and his future children and whatever else he sees in his future.... Damn. He is so husband material. Like OMG.
I love talking to him on a serious level. It doesn't happen a lot, because we both love to joke around all the time and it's what were used to. But damn. I can listen to him talk for hours. I won't really say much, but I'm so fascinated by his maturity and his passion for ensuring a great life for his family now and in the potential future.
He values what and who he has, without a second thought about what he wants or doesn't have. He's so considerate of his parents and his other relatives. Hell do anything to rid them of their burdens.
I can't even measure how much I admire his whole being.
This was the first time I heard him say everything all at once, you know? I'm just sitting here listening to him talk about his family and his love for them and everything.
Fuck. He inspires me to get to know my family and love them for who they are and not what i want them to be.
How did I get so lucky?
How did I get do lucky to have someone who actually inspires me to be better? Someone who cares more for others than himself? How did I get so lucky to have him?
I could say more, but it would take about a day and a half more.

To be honest, I can't remember another time I've felt this shitty. I'm behind in my ONE class, and it's fucking frustrating. I've managed to avoid all the lab work that is due in 2 weeks, which actually isn't a long time. I didn't think missing one class would affect me that badly, but it did and I ended up missing 2 more days because I wasn't ready. My grade probably dropped 20%. Goodbye highest grade in the class! I was doing so well. I know complaining about it isn't doing me any justice. But it's almost like all the stress has just clogged a part of me that allows me to... I don't know. Work? Meh. 

Money!  Fuck money. I don't have money. I don't work. Which is another stress factor. I don't make my own money. I have so many things to pay for.  Like dancing. DANCING. My escape. The love of my life. That shit is so damn expensive. I'm probably have to quit the team after this season. I can't afford it! I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do to fill that void, but I have to do it. Hopefully I'll have a job and more classes to focus on by that time. 

I think what I need for myself is more things to do. Free time fucks me up! I need to be constantly moving, otherwise It's like I'm in quicksand, unable to get of -in this case- procrastination and the slumps of laziness. I need to be away from home as much as possible. For me, home is like a trap!  I'll go to Starbucks tomorrow. I mean, hey, I get a free drink out of it! I have so much to worry about. 

My family's so weird. I don't even know. Everyone is just selfish. Myself included! But my sister just really needs to grow up. Sneaking around, lying to everyone. She and get boyfriend are so disgusting, they need to face reality. No, you're not black, neither of you are "cool," and you're just stuck up people that think to highly of yourselves. You both are selfish and inconsiderate of your 

families. And I have to share a room with my sister. How annoying is that, very. Were both messy af and that's just not good! I guess you can say my cluttered room is a metaphor for my cluttered life.

And Edwin. He's probably one of the best things that's happened to me this year. I really like him, it's crazy. And I think he's mad at me. I guess he is the jealous type, which I think is adorable, but for some reason this time is hurting. We're not even official but things are getting pretty serious. I'm not complaining, it's been a month. However, we need to set some boundaries or rules or SOMETHING, because honestly I've never "talked" to someone for this long. I'm not sure how this works. But he's mad and it's pissing me off how I can't do anything right now.

Goodnight.

not really the best photos, but i got all pretty for someone who i saw for less than 2 minutes. i wasnt even planning to see him, but i had the slightest hope that i would see him. as predicted, he didnt care. but it's okay, at least i look cute.

LOWKEY

Id be anorexic if it wasn't so hard. 

I feel cute sometimes.