how im spending my NYE.

alone.
in my bed.
crying.

i think it's time i learn to let go.

merry christmas!

or not. once again, this is another rant about my so-called love life... and out of all days-christmas. there isn't much i could really say. our relationship isn't going as well as it used to. we're fighting like every other day, like literally. and i don't find his attempts to be cute... well, cute... anymore. he usually gets me every time. i guess i'm just getting really bored with this whole relationshit thing. i need something new and exciting! im not saying i dont love my boyfriend anymore, i do! trust me. i just need something to- i don't know- spice it up, maybe? im tired of this routine bullshit. maybe we do need a break. but that's never really worked out too well with us. it's kinda hard to do that when we always see each other.... literally. ive wasted so much time on that fucker. if i was to not spend any time on him at all, my day would be filled with facebook and tumblr and all that shit. what a waste, right? whatever. i just don't know what to do at this point... i'm pretty much.... stuck.

i don't care what my sister says; still looks good with the jacket open.

LALALALALA....

not listenaaaaaaaaaaangggg!!!!!

is it wrong of me to say that i've always had a heart? well, now i guess i can really say that i don't. cuz i, myself, just shattered it into a million pieces. i let go of the one thing that kept me going, but at the same time held me back from things i have wanted to achieve. i know that i fucked with the best thing that has ever happened to me, and i know that i can never get it back. i messed up that terribly. from this point on, i can not look back, because what i cherished the most these past 9 months probably wouldn't let me back into their life. which is totally understandable. if i were in their position, i wouldn't want to deal with the extra stress either. i guess i am just a terrible person with too much baggage. i probably wasnt ready for such a task. i didnt even think, before i ruined my life. and it happened. in less than 10 minutes. wow. i hate myself.

i ruined my life.

in a matter of 5 minutes.

have you ever lied to make things hurt less? i just did. i lied my ass off. and it worked! no tears, even though i know everything i said was complete and utter bullshit. yes, i fucked up my life. and i won't be happy for a very long time... hopefully fuck ups and sadness will pay off in the end. hopefully. now, lets aim for non-puffy eyes for tomorrow's picture day.......

just going to shrivel up and die now. strgsdfgdfh nkjhmgnbfsdffghjkmhngbfvdcsdsdhjkl,jmnhbgfvdfg,hjjmhm

i hate everythingggggg..... dfghdtyuy fdfhdhdgf n ysr...... no more eating, no more boyfriend, done with it all........ on to the next one, i guess.........

i hate crying for no reason. i guess im just stressed? i dont want this anymore. i'm doneeee. FUCK IT; SINGLE LIFE.

i took the scenic route coming home from the eagle rock plaza. quite lovely actually. i think i just might go that way all the time. it was a nice long walk. i loved it. i liked being alone. i wish i were all the time, actually.

i don't know what has gotten me into this type of mood. i'm just mad and hating everything. fuck. literally tearing up over nothing. can i just.... ugh. is it because i'm fat? like i can't live the way i want because im fucking morbidly obese? is it because my boyfriend told me i need to watch my weight (which is some fucked up shit, right there)? whatever it is, everything just leads up to how unhappy i am with my body. i don't look good dancing because it's like a sack of potatoes. i have no neck. im shorter than the average 16 year old girl. i dont know. well, no... maybe my problems dont only revolve around my appearance. i just hate everything. (: FUCK EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. i wish i were happy.

PSA

It has been brought to my attention that I, Cassidy Barba, am fat.

That is all.

things just don't seem to be working out. everything has been going downhill, and i don't know what to do about it. i mean, i need to stop being selfish and all that jazz, but hey, i just want to be happy. lately, i haven't been happy. i've been stressed out, annoyed, cranky, and irritated. it's my relationship, my team, my home, school, everything. i've just reached the point where i don't want any of it anymore. like i want to run away, change my name, and be a taco maker in ensanada. sigh. i dont know what to do. i think what's stressing me out the most is my relationship, cuz honestly, most of my time and effort has gone into that. it shouldn't even be the most important thing to me, but it's what's bringing me down the most. its so distracting and time consuming. because of it, i have spent less time with my friends and family. i just want to get away from my boyfriend for a little bit and be with my friends. but they dont even want to talk to me. it's like ive become a whole other person. i hate everything and everyone. well, time to make new friends... goodbye for now.

i always feel underestimated and over looked, especially when it comes to dancing/ the dance team. i've always wondered if i'm right; no one likes me or respects me. i mean, sure i'm a captain in training, but i'm pretty sure not a lot of people would agree that i do not deserve that title. i feel like the people ahead of me, aka the captains, don't feel i should be a cit. they don't realize that i do the most work out of the 4 of us. i've never missed an opportunity to get ahead. i've attended all the garage sales, even when i didn't have to. i'm not trying to kiss ass or anything... but as a cit, shouldn't you want to do it? eh, i don't really know. when we're told to do something, i always do it. when the one time i don't, i get punished. and it's usually not my fault. ugh. sure, there are a few captains that believe in me, but there rest do not. i'm not saying that focus all their non-belief on me. ha. imagine tho? i just would like to know what i'm doing/ not doing to get myself noticed in a positive way. or at least, not looked at as the underachiever. i would really like to be taken seriously.

why does it matter to you where i am, what i'm doing, and why i'm doing it? it shouldn't matter. if i go to a dance competition, dance class, dance anything that is not drill team, why do you care? don't make fun of me because i'm doing what i want to do. especially if you don't have a legit reason to make fun of me. like there ever will be a good reason to make fun of anyone.

Difficult times

Hello. Well, anyways i just got off the phoned with cassidy and i think i should write something right now. Ummmm this is Jeremiah Bernardino and im sort of hacking my girlfriends blogger :) Sowwie Cassidy for the way i acted tonight and for always making u feel like your the bad girlfriend. I don't mean those bad things. I always bring Josh in to the conversation and being angry and say that u don't care about me. Saying mean stuff like i don't trust you. That's not how i truly feel. Iknow that u care and ikno she is trustworthy. I'm not lying about this.....u are a good girlfriend no matter what i say when i'm angry! You are not a bad girlfriend who doesn't do anything. i'm not lying to myself you are amazing. I'm really not doing all these things for you cuz i have too. I love caring about you, worrying about you, being with you, talking to u, laughing with you, and just plain loving you. I don't want to do that for anyone else. No one else is worth it besides you....Really!!!!!!!!!!!! you care about me cuz it does make u feel bad in what i say......Your are perfect for me and i'll never leave you it still hasn't change i still love you....and i don't want you to think breaking up is the best solution. i really hope u don't break up with me cuz things will never be the same. I'm will never get over you cassidy! You are my one and only! My forever!!! it might sound cliche and naive but i really feel that way....never want to leave you. Please believe me!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! <3

being bisexual is just a transition to being completely homosexual.

just get it over with and just say your gay. we'll accept you either way.

SO FULL.

let's go running tomorrow night. no? i am okay with that.

yuck... summer already?

so if you're a close friend of mine, you would know how much i hate my body. i think it's disgusting and fat and undesirable in all ways possible. sure, i'm young and it shouldn't matter because i can easily burn it off, right? but what if i'm too lazy? too busy to put in effort? ugh, i don't know. i wish i could change the way i look. but thanks to my lack of patience and trabajdora-ness, i am not able to. every time i look in the mirror, i wanna gag. sometimes even cry. yeah, i know that's a little much, but its true. i've been dealing with mood swings lately. don't know. i hate my reflection. i hate looking down. i hate everything. why can't i be satisfied with myself? why can't i have the confidence others have? plain and simple. i'm 4'11 and i weigh 107 lb. that probably may not seem bad, but it definitely looks bad. it's different for taller people. even tall people weigh less than me. i wanna get rid of the fat so badly that i've even considered purging and not eating. i mean, for a fact i am starting to eat less. it saves my dad (who just lost his job) money, and i guess i lose weight? yeah, i don't know. the team is having a beach trip this friday.... i'm too afraid to show my body in a swimsuit. it would look so gross. today i tried on a one-piece suit to cover my mid, and i looked so terrible. i just hate my body. i would exercise and diet and stuff. but truth be told, i am way too lazy to do anything. i'm an idiot. i'll just be fat with my 50 piece nuggets under the rainbow umbrella on the sand. jk, i cant afford that either.

Im really tired of people.

it's your life. i don't care what you do.

it always seems that you think more logically when you're single. you tend to give more relationship advice that actually makes sense; but when you're dating someone after a period of being single, all the relationship you gave before doesn't apply and your relationship starts going downhill slowly. my advice to you: stay single.

as gay as this photo is,

he's too cute for me. -_-

so, last summer i was so skinny and pretty. fresh new pearly whites. just got my braces off and all that good shit. but damn, i was hella annoying. my teeeeeeeth tho! we both had nice teeth. LOL.

Oops!

so my boyfriend is really crazy sick. i feel so bad for the poor little faggot! either he's really sick, or he's just sick, but wants attention. maybe both. i'm not sure if he's contagious or not, but i'm afraid of getting sick. i was just sick a few weeks ago! last month, actually. well, i don't know. we made out today, and i'm really afraid getting sick again. i know it's silly, but when i'm sick, i get really really really sick. so i don't know. we'll see. but anyway! it was kinda fun, because we haven't had that type of physical contact with each other for a while.

desperately want to cut my hair. (yes, it's real)

Dear you,

i don't care what you think of him. we have different tastes obviously. he makes me happy, and honestly your opinion means nothing to me. you say "your boyfriend is a clingy, annoying bitch. sorry." sorry? really now. see, i don't find him annoying or clingy. maybe it's because i just might be the same way. you don't have to say shit about him. i'm fine with it. so it shouldn't matter to you whether he's clingy and annoying or not. although i don't care what you think, when you say all that shit i just wanna say SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU'RE FUCKING ANNOYING. NO ONE CARES.

this is so unlike me.

i love how he still wants to hold my hand, hug me, and kiss me even though i'm disgustingly sick. i always tell him, "do u really want to do that? you're going to get sick, y'know." he always replies with "it's okay."

Just another day.

this is really silly of me, but i can't help but look at my ex's tumblr. it's not that i miss him or that i'm curious about his life. to be honest, i just want to make sure that he misses me. yeah, that's completely fucked up and really stupid. trust me, i know. i wanna know that i was the highlight of his life, but at the same time, i totally fucked it up. you know how they say murderer's tend to return to the scene of the crime? or something like that. yeah, i feel like that's what i'm doing. i wanna see what damage i've done. am i really that cruel? ahah. maybe. well from what i've seen, he's gone back to his old habits. partying, drinking, smoking, the usual. yes, that kinda pisses me off. i know it shouldn't and it's none of my business. is it that i still care? meh. hell naw. but i just hate how the whole time we were together. he said that he's above the influence and all that bullshit. makes me wonder what else he's lied about. damn. he's not even worth it. okay. damn, fuck my life. why the fuck does he still get to me? and his posts say all this stuff about exes and what not. well, i was his last ex, but i don't know. supposedly he's happy and all that shit with some anonymous girl. haha. whatever. i already know who it is.

Just watched The Hot Chick

that movie is so stupid, yet hilarious.

at our BBM workshop. i felt so flexible that day. the day after, i couldn't do it. haha. excuse my pointe.

Look at this poser bitch

DAMN, look at this bitch. little 8th grader who thinks she can dance. pft. who does she think she is? gosh, she's so ugly! it's obvious she's had absolutely no training. why did she even bother? ugh. she totally just made a fool of herself...





oh wait. that was me.