i know i complain a lot; and trust me, there's still a lot i have to complain about, but that can wait. let's take the time now to appreciate the little things. well, they're not that little. in fact, it's these "little" things the make my day, my week, my goddamn life. my god, i'm going to sound like a bop but i know for a fact i'm not! here goes.

small thoughtful gestures really amplify when it comes from someone that you really love and care about. every look he gives me sends tingles down my spine. his smile resonates in my thoughts long after he's stopped. wow, i didn't realize i sound like a simping ass teenage boy. at any rate, those virtual kisses always get me through a bad day, and let me tell you, thats pretty much everyday. from late night skype calls, to early morning facetime calls, i love falling asleep to his face just as much as i love waking up to him. he makes me feel safe... maybe it's because he makes me text him whenever i arrive somewhere and whenever i leave he texts me to be safe. as annoyingly fatherly as he can be sometimes, i'm thankful that he cares. he's so amazing to me. as much as he likes to deny it and as much as he hates to be told, he truly is that-amazing. and then some. what would i ever do without him? i love him to death. it's gr8. it really is.

for the past few weeks, i have been content with the way i look. i have a boyfriend; who do i need to impress? turns out, the only person i care to impress is myself.

i have weighed myself for many months. i didnt want to live my life based on numbers on a scale. when they weighed my at the doctor's, that was the first time in months that i had known my weight. i had gained 7lb since the last time i stepped on the scale. that may not seem like a lot, but all i see in the mirror are those 7lb. it's happy weight, so i've been told. ironically and quite evidently, this does not make me happy. one can only imagine gaining 7 lb being a good thing.

i am not overweight, nor am i unhealthy. which is good! but it isnt enough reason for me to be satisfied. 

i hate the way i look. my face has taken on a rounder shape, as well has my stomach. to me, that is not appealing. i dont even have a pretty face to make up for the extra pounds i have put on. 

another factor of this weight gain (and thus change in appearance) could be the stress. i am stressed over school, finances, transportation even, and now i have the stress of what i look like! whatever will i do about my insecurities? 

despite others arguments on how i look to them, nothing will change the way i look at myself but change itself. 

now, i know all i'm going to hear is "just work out" "go on a diet" "dont eat as much". while those are so fucking obvious, my living environment sucks. no room to work out, going on a diet here means not eating anything at all, and not eating as much... well, i barely eat so maybe i should just starve myself.

im tired of being made fun of. my sister of all people tell me how im gaining weight as if i didnt know. my family does not support me in anything i do so it's no telling that this opinion and negativity is expected from everyone here. 

some may say that i'm being dumb and unappreciative, and they may be right. but that will never affect the way i see myself, nor will it make me love what i look like.